Eowyn : The Owner's Guide And Maintenance Manual
by Sargastic Kit
Summary: Inspired by Theresa Green's wonderful 'Owners' Guide' Series, and published with her permission, everything you could ever want to know about the care and ownership of your fair Lady of Rohan...


It is my good fortune to work alongside 'Theresa' in her workaday alias and to make her life that little bit more challenging by submitting unreadable techie gibberish that she has to translate into English.

I have avidly read and appreciated her user manuals, but, being male, I have noticed a slight, shall I say, _prioritisation being applied to the subjects being covered. I therefore thought that it might be appropriate to make a small offering of my own in an effort to redress the balance -_

**EOWYN : The owner's guide and maintenance manual**

Thank you for purchasing this EOWYN unit. Please take a few moments to read the accompanying documentation in order to ensure many years of trouble free* enjoyment of your Lady of Rohan

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name : _Eowyn_

Type : _Human (Female, Rohir)_

Manufacturer – _Riddermark__ Enterprises LRC (Limited Rohir Company), Theodwyn / Eomund division_

Date of Manufacture – _Year 2995 of the Third Age_

Age _– Those uncouth enough to make such an enquiry can deduce for themselves that an EOWYN unit will appear to be 24 years of age_.

Height & Weight _– Unspecified. Your EOWYN unit is however guaranteed to be tall, lithe and 'well knit in frame'_

Length (DERNHELM mode) – _Unknown, but expected to be approximately 3'-4' and silver_

**ACCESSORIES :******

When originally shipped your EOWYN unit will be packed in a long white dress, completely unsuitable for riding. It is remarkably unlikely that you will ever need this particular packaging again.

Riding clothes (leather)**

Riding boots (leather)**

Riding crop (leather)**

Riding saddle (leather)**, with Hobbit tying attachment point

Chainmail Hauberk (steel)

Shield (steel)

Sword, 3'-4' in length, (silver) [why, what did you _think_ the 'Length' referred to ?]

One bottle 'Steelsheen' armour polish

**INSURANCE DISCLAIMER**

We regretfully must insist upon this document being signed upon delivery of your EOWYN unit, otherwise we shall be unable to release the unit to you. This indemnifies Riddermark Enterprises from any claims arising from : damage to life or limb; acts of wilful or subtle disobedience; destruction of any henchmen of unspeakable evil that you may possess; whip marks, for which there will no doubt be a _perfectly reasonable_ explanation; and / or divorce proceedings that may arise from use of your EOWYN unit

**UNPACKING :******

As noted above your EOWYN unit will be shipped in a long white impractical dress, in order to dull her natural instincts for long enough to allow us to safely pack the unit for shipping.

It is recommended that the unit be unpacked in a clear and open area, ideally with a clear view of countryside, in order to minimise distress***

Unpack the accessories first and lay them out readily to hand and clearly visible in order to provide a reassuring and familiar element to the environment that your EOWYN unit will emerge into.

Several owners have reported that placing themselves in a darker corner of the room, radiating an aura of hidden power and then emerging slowly into the light have remarkably eased the ownership process.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE :**

Being a descendant of a line of warrior kings your EOWYN unit can of course be of great assistance to those owners wishing to engage in a strenuous physical workout programme, and we are sure that many owners will already have in mind a set of vigorous exercises that they can share with their Lady of Rohan. However, there are many other uses to which an EOWYN unit may be put :

Equestrianism :

Gymkhanas, Show Jumping, Steeplechasing etc –Become the envy of the local equestrian set by entering your EOWYN unit in any such contests, then simply sit back and enjoy the prestige / envy / prizewinnings / takings from corrupt gambling syndicates that will roll in. Just remember not to suggest that your EOWYN unit enters any dressage contests, as the bill from your resulting hospital treatment is likely to eat up any profits that you have made on the other ventures.

Children's Activity Organiser :

EOWYN units are excellent with small children, especially irritatingly hyperactive ones, particularly enjoying taking them on long and interesting rides to burn up all of that excess energy. Just remember to ensure that the little tykes are properly equipped for any adenturesome scrapes that they may get into. We recommend – windproof parka or similar jacket, compass, sensible shoes and gloves, and a dagger or short sword forged by the ancient smiths of Cardolan for slaying any Witch Kings of Angmar that they may happen to encounter along the way.

DERNHELM mode :

If you have temporarily tired of the aroma of leather around your home, or find yourself about to engage upon an epic quest (such as venturing to the corner shop for some more after-exercise skin care lotion) then you can switch your EOWYN unit to DERNHELM mode, and enjoy the company of a vigorous and hearty warrior companion, with only a very slightly increased risk of encountering hideous creatures of unspeakably powerful evil and their bestial mounts.

Adaptive Learning :

Your EOWYN unit may also be reprogrammed to perform almost any other desired task, simply by explaining in detail that the desired result is either not possible or not appropriate for a Lady of Rohan (Important safety tip - remember not to smirk during reprogramming – your EOWYN unit is contrary, not stupid).

**TROUBLESHOOTING :******

These are the solutions to some commonly encountered problems with EOWYN units.

**Q: **My EOWYN unit is demanding a horse. She is threatening to start (or stop) using her riding crop if I do not comply with her demands.

**A: **We recommend complying with her request at the earliest possible opportunity. Proceeds from racing income will soon cover the initial outlay and ongoing running costs. Failure to procure a horse within a reasonable timeframe is likely to result in your EOWYN unit taking steps to acquire a suitable subsitute, such as a motorbike, with unpredictable consequences.

**Q: **Why do Riddermark Enterprises not supply a horse as standard with EOWYN units ?

**A: **Attempting to export horses from Rohan results in a vengeful visit from an EOMER unit and accompanying cavalry troop, who will ride down and behead both our shipping department and you the customer before tossing all of your bodies onto a burning pile of Uruk-Hai. This has caused an excessive workload on our customer service department and, regretfully, has had to be discontinued.

**Q: **My EOWYN unit is refusing to pay any attention to me, and refuses to even consider my proposed exercise programme.

**A: **Try to become more dark and brooding, aiming in particular to seem foul yet feel fair. If this does not work then try not shaving for several days and stop washing your hair. If all else fails try performing some act of self sacrificing bravery within her view, ideally almost (but not quite) dying in the process.

You may wish to invest in a GANDALF unit before attempting the latter option.

**Q: **My EOWYN unit and I are getting on fine, but one of my male friends has taken to hanging around constantly, trying to persuade me to invest in 'dot com' shares, sell me double glazing or convince me to buy 'Magic – The Gathering' cards.

**A: **Sadly your friend has been corrupted by evil Wizards™. On no account take any of his advice, leave him alone with your EOWYN unit or turn your back on him. He may be cured (or at least removed) by a GANDALF unit (WHITE model only). Alternatively set your EOWYN to DERNHELM mode and turn her loose on him.

**Q: **Someone has shattered my EOWYN unit's sword, shivered her shield into a thousand pieces, broken her arm and left her pale and near death. What should I do ?

**A: **Did you accidentally leave a hideous creature of unspeakably powerful evil lying around the house, or go to an air show featuring an RAF display team ? If so then you simply need to acquire some Kingsfoil (we recommend mail order rather than personal delivery) to treat the wound and then perform a near suicidal act of self sacrifice in front of her to speed her on the road to recovery.

**Q: **My EOWYN unit is moping and depressed, and has even taken to wearing that ridiculous white dress again.

**A: **Your EOWYN unit may have been accidentally exposed to an ARAGORN unit, triggering this reaction. Only performing a near suicidal act of self sacrifice in front of her is likely to bring her out of it (or possibly buying her a _really large_ motorbike).

**Q: **I have accidentally exposed my EOWYN unit to a FARAMIR unit, and now she pays no attention to anything else. Is there anything that I can do ?

**A: **Probably not. All that we can suggest is inviting some of your female friends around to meet the FARAMIR unit. Anecdotal evidence suggests that one of them will make off with the FARAMIR unit within a period of time so miniscule that there is no S.I. unit sufficiently small to measure it, leaving you to try and console your EOWYN unit as best you may.

**Q: **My EOWYN unit seems to be stuck permanently in DERNHELM mode, but doesn't respond to either EOWYN or DERNHELM commands. Even exposing her to an ARAGORN or FARAMIR unit has no effect.

**A: **Please double check the shipping documentation – you have probably been accidentally issued with a BOB (aka KATE) unit from a completely different genre.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER UNITS :**

Your EOWYN unit is a complex and delicate piece of Rohirrim technology and care must be taken in exposing her to certain other units to avoid undesired results :

EOMER and THEODEN units : These units will inevitably attempt to repackage your EOWYN unit in her original packing material and box her up 'for her own good'. Excessive exposure to either or both units could result in distress, which is to be avoided***

ARAGORN units : Exposure to an ARAGORN unit will bring on a state of depression and voluntary repackaging as noted in the 'troubleshooting' section above. Acts of near suicidal self sacrificing bravery and / or creatures of unspeakably powerful evil may be needed to restore your Lady of Rohan to her natural state.

FARAMIR units : Exposure to FARAMIR units must be avoided at all costs, as there is no remedy.

Married male owners may find that their partners, in a fit of misunderstanding, acquire a FARAMIR unit with the express intention of exposing your EOWYN unit to it. It is however remarkably unlikely that they will be able to tear themselves away from their FARAMIR unit for long enough to make good on this threat.

BOROMIR units : In theory these are perfectly safe to interact with your EOWYN unit, however your EOWYN unit may decide that a family resemblance to a FARAMIR unit is close enough for her tastes and we therefore recommend that you avoid any chance of this unfortunate outcome.

ARWEN units : Results may be unpredictable if your EOWYN unit has been previously exposed to an ARAGORN unit and not treated. Our experiments have indicated a high likelihood of one or both units being destroyed in a violent confrontation, and a lower probability that they will start discussing  his unreliability, poor hair care, broken sword and inability to use a simple _Palantir to keep in touch, bond and decide to hunt down and destroy the offending heir of Isildur._

LEGOLAS units : Riddermark Enterprises are pleased to announce that thanks to the extensive _blonde plating_ technology incorporated into your EOWYN unit, and our unique _dark affinity software your EOWYN unit is guaranteed **completely impervious** to LEGOLAS units and will not bat so much as an exquisite eyelash in their presence. Please note that we have had to restrict EOWYN ownership to one per household, in order to discourage unscrupulous LEGOLAS owners from using Ladies of Rohan as bodyguards to deal with any fangirls who get too close to their beloved Elven Prince._

* Well, not exactly trouble free, but at least 'trouble in excess of that for which you bought your EOWYN unit' free. After all, if you wanted trouble free then you'd have bought a GOLDBERRY unit instead.

** Attempting to use other leather accessories with your EOWYN unit without extensive prior consultation and agreement is STRONGLY discouraged. Riddermark Enterprises can in no way be held responsible for the consequences of any such action.  
*** Remember – A distressed EOWYN unit is capable of beheading a fully grown adult Fell Beast in a single blow. Do not distress your EOWYN unit.


End file.
